Dear Sad W,
Ok, so the quickest way to extinguish your lover’s libido is by telling them what they are doing wrong during lovemaking. That is, unless they are wearing a dog collar and you wielding a whip. In that case, fill your shiny thigh length boots!
Chances are that if the quality of communication between a couple is poor outside of the bedroom, then, intimacy (sex), will also suffer. Intimacy between couples is, after-all, the ultimate form of communication. If your lover bores you in bed, then, it is quite likely that they will also bore you outside of the bedroom. Keep in mind that foreplay begins way before you get into bed. You can’t expect your lover to be Adonis or Aphrodite in bed, if you’ve spent the afternoon complaining to him about items he forgot on the grocery list or that she overcooked the casserole. If you want a creative, exciting, loving sex-life then you have to be creative, exciting and loving outside of the bedroom. Here are four must haves in any healthy relationship:
Be patient and kind with each other’s weaknesses and foibles, we all have blind spots and do stupid things from time to time. Yup, you’re no exception. Lovers should be each other’s safe haven; a shelter from life’s storms.
Actively listen when the other speaks. Try to understand their point of view in an argument. Be open enough to give their side of things respectful consideration, as you would like them to do for your point of view.
Never, ever, harbour resentment, bitterness and secret hurts. Left long enough, these unresolved emotions end up poisoning a relationship, often to a point beyond repair. SPEAK UP at an appropriate time, and express yourself in the most loving, respectful and truthful way that you can. You need to be able to trust that your partner will hear you with a loving ear.
Watch your body language; when talking to your partner, never walk away or look at your phone. Make eye contact. You LOVE this person! Show them they are important enough for you to stop what you are doing and look them in the eye.
Also, try these tips to get the creativity juices back into your sex life.
Be attractive! Make an effort to look, smell, speak and act your best and notice and complement your lover when they reciprocate that effort. Ditch all your ugly pyjamas you’ve been wearing for years because they are ‘comfy’. Come on! Think sexy!
Flirt, tease and touch your partner often. Let them feel appreciated.
If you want to try new things in bed, the best time to bring that up is outside of the bedroom.
A playful whisper in their ear, “ I’ve been thinking about how hot it would be if we….’ . Knowing that you’ve been having naughty thoughts should get your partner in the mood to try something new.
Delve into your imagination both in and out of the bedroom. What would make you hot, happy, and wanting more? Ask your partner the same and be open minded and generous without compromising your values or self-respect.
If you give all of this an honest try and your partner’s sexual creativity is still as stale as last years’ fruitcake, then you may consider couples counselling or perhaps even finding someone more adventurous.